Marriage counseling, or couples counseling, is different than individual therapy. In a marriage, two people come together to create something new. I often think of it as a process with three elements – the two individuals, and then this third element we’ll call “the marriage.”
To use an analogy from the physical sciences, oxygen and hydrogen are two vital elements with innumerable applications. When chemically bonded to form water, we get an altogether new element. It can take many forms, solid, liquid or gas, but in every case it is different, and behaves or reacts differently than the individual elements. Failing to appreciate the difference is like asking someone to breathe in water when they’re panting and short of breath. It may solve the problem of needing air, but it is not good for your health!
In a marriage, the combination of the two individuals creates something new and different, and it needs to be considered differently than an individual in counseling. Each person might be wonderful individually, however, the combination has taken on harmful qualities, rather than the refreshing water you expected.
When “the marriage” comes to counseling too, there are more elements and more dynamics to work with compared to when just one or two individuals participate. So, by definition, marriage counseling allows for a more complete examination of the factors affecting your satisfaction and happiness. By working together in therapy, couples can bring the nourishing qualities back to their marriage.
I’ve worked with couples who were able to chart a path to stable and sustainable happiness together, and others whose goal was not necessarily to save a marriage, but simply to protect their mental and emotional health while going through a divorce. In either case, seeing a counselor together can often create possibilities or expose dynamics that greatly improve your chance of successfully reaching your goal.
13 facts to consider about marriages:
| 1 | Marriages do not have to end, and do not have to remain miserable. They can be saved, improved, and even developed into happy, loving partnerships. Too often couples wait until their marriages are on the brink of divorce before seeking help. The earlier “the marriage” comes to therapy, the sooner it can start to improve. |
| 2 | Both men and women have higher life expectancies when married, compared to those who are single or divorced. |
| 3 | Marriage can do more to promote life satisfaction than money, sex, or even children. |
| 4 | More than friendship, laughter, forgiveness, compatibility, or sex, spouses say that trust is the essential element of a happy marriage. |
| 5 | Marriages can recover after an affair. Nearly 60% of married adults have had at least one affair. |
| 6 | After having their first child, the majority of couples report a decrease in marital satisfaction. Accordingly, couples report increased satisfaction after the last child moves out. |
| 7 | Through direct observation during the first year of marriage, some researchers can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will remain together, or later divorce. |
| 8 | The four actions that are most damaging to a marriage are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Counseling can help couples learn to express themselves clearly and honestly, but without resorting to these damaging communication styles. |
| 9 | Couples are happier when they learn to balance their time spent together, with a respect for their individual differences and interests. |
| 10 | Married men report greater happiness, incomes, and career success than single men. |
| 11 | When an affair replaces a marriage, it takes on the same emotional stresses as a marriage, but is twice as likely to break up. |
| 12 | Most couples who considered divorce, but remain married, were happy with that choice five years later. |
| 13 | Married couples report greater levels of sexual satisfaction than single people. |
Contact us to discuss whether counseling might be right for you.
Lisa Elieson, MA, LPC-S
© Hidden Lakes Counseling