My husband and I became engaged when we were each in our early 20s. We had selected the perfect dress and the perfect location. We had the perfect band, cake and centerpieces ready to go. The perfect invitations had been sent, the perfect honeymoon had been booked, and we were looking forward to the grand occasion. In our preparations, we had but one final step – to meet with our ecclesiastical leader for a pre-marital counseling interview before heading to the altar. Should be quick and painless, right?
The religious leader with whom we would meet that day was a man named Al Hall. Mr. Hall was lay clergy, meaning that while he led the congregation by night, by day he was an attorney. As it just so happened, a divorce attorney. I think we can say that Mr. Hall had some experience with where marriages go wrong and therefore perspective and insight to offer this young couple.
I’m pretty certain that we looked like deer in the headlights as we sat and listened to his advice on sex and marriage. However, over the years I have found the comments he shared with us to be relevant and helpful to many of the couples with whom I’ve worked, and so I pass them along.
As soon as we sat down, Mr. Hall turned directly to my then fiancé and said, “I’m going to warn you now, so you won’t be confused later, on where marriages have problems.”
Okay. Apparently, we weren’t just here to talk about happily ever after. Mr. Hall continued, “One evening, after many fights, and years of marriage, I looked at my wife and angrily thought; she thinks that making love is sitting on the couch and talking about our day. That’s when it clicked for me. That is exactly how women think.”
Now before all the men give up on this article, allow me to explain –
Newly married couples seem to rock along pretty well. They enjoy spending countless hours together recounting their day for the other and listening endlessly. And sex life is great. A few years go by and responsibilities begin to mount at work and children come along depriving you of the opportunity for evening chats. Some wives choose to stay at home while others return to work as well as raise children to the point of exhaustion. By the end of the day, especially if the wife was left alone at home with young children all day, there is a conversation that looks something like this:
Husband walks in the door, and barely sets his bag down. Wife is thrilled to see him, and ready to finally engage in some adult conversation. With pent up enthusiasm she begins to tell him about her day.
Wife: “Oh, I’m so glad you’re home! Let me tell you what happened today, and what we have going on this evening. Can you hold the baby, while I get dinner going? I have a PTA meeting at 7:00, and I haven’t had a chance to shower yet. I picked up the stain for the fence, so you can get that done on Saturday, and Johnny needs some help with his social studies homework project that’s due tomorrow. And, oh my gosh, I saw Becky today and she told me that she had another argument with Joey about the motorcycle. They made up and then he came home with a new helmet. Can you believe that? Also, I think Suzy may have lice. One of the kids in her class had lice and was sent home today. I read an article about….”
Husband: “Oh, honey, I’m beat. It’s been a long day and I just need to sit for a couple of minutes I wanted to catch the end of the game I didn’t get to finish yesterday.”
Wife: (looking slightly disappointed) “Okay, go change clothes, I’ll finish dinner. Get some rest.”
Fast forward a few hours. The couple heads to bed together, each exhausted and ready to pass out from a day’s worth of work, children, chores, etc. And then something interesting happens. When the husband snuggles up against his beautiful wife, he finds himself suddenly wide awake, and ready for action. He wants to bond with the woman he loves and appreciates so deeply, and sex is a great way to do it. However, eventually, she will wonder where this new found energy comes from, and where it was a few hours ago when she needed to talk. After a few years of this, she may lose interest in this late night love making, and he begins to wonder what happened to his perfectly relaxing evenings.
Here’s what they missed. Frequently, women bond by sharing secrets, hopes, and dreams with one another. If you ever notice a group of woman together, they talk about everything under the sun, from childbirth to sex to recipes. In the moment when the husband walks in the door from work, the wife has so much to say to him, because she is eager to bond with him “girl style.” If he rejects her attempts to bond emotionally too often, i.e. make love girl style, she begins to disconnect and feel isolated. She feels rejected in the same way men do when their wives turn down their sexual advances too often. While men feel bonded to their wives through sex, women want to feel this bond before sex. When women bond emotionally with their man first, it can help to reduce their stress levels and actually find their sexuality. What a woman believes about her marriage, and her man, has a significant impact on her sex drive. Consider the brain as the first erogenous zone for women – so start by bonding there.
As Mr. Hall said, making love girl style commonly involves just holding hands on the couch and talking about your day.
We often see this dynamic at play when a spouse has returned from a long business trip. The man is eager to bond with his wife, so he wants to have sex. The wife says, “hold up cowboy, let’s talk and get reacquainted first”, because she is also anxious to bond with him. Their goals are the same, methods may differ.
I should emphasize that this is just one gender difference that we see in relationships. There are many more, and a skilled counselor can help you understand how to work with gender differences in a relationship. Of course, whenever we speak of gender differences, we speak in generalities. Which means that sure your great aunt, spouse, friend, cousin, or someone else you know is probably completely different. We all differ, and anytime we attempt to describe a large population of people, we have to appreciate that there are certainly individual exceptions to those generalities.
Lisa Elieson, MA, LPC-S
© Hidden Lakes Counseling